As I reported last month, eraserhead667 - my ex-husband and father of our lovely daughter - died tragically.  The official report has been completed and I'm satisfied that they've been diligent and forthright in their findings.  The full story is pretty horrifying and unbelievable if you never saw his dark side - so his family and friends that haven't seen him in years are really struggling to cope with it all.  I still find it shocking and horrifying, but not surprising. From my vantage point, Doug was dancing more frequently with dangerous behavior, and I think it caught up with him.  

  It's been over a month now.  Our girlie refused to talk about him at all at first - even posted a sign on the front door that "if you're here to ask questions about my Dad, then go away for 5 weeks!"  She went to the visitation and funeral, but I was very protective of how much of it she absorbed. Her little heart was laying really low - bless those friends that came and let her just play and be a kid for a little while.  We spent most of the visitation time in the break room.   The funeral the next day was rough but very healing.  It helped me and Katie to see how wide his circle of friends really was, and how many people spoke fondly of him, revealing stories of how he'd helped them, and so on.  K didn't want to view the casket or stand at the graveside, so I honored that and saved her a flower.  It was only in the past couple of weeks that she began to open up and talk about him - mostly in little remembrances like, "we would go to that store and make up rhymes" or "we'd watch that show and he'd try to tickle me" and so on.  She speaks of him very fondly and I think she's dealing with it all incredibly well.  

 My own story is slightly different, because of unresolved anger and frustration.  He was bipolar (manic-depressive) and refused medical treatment for it, he was an alcoholic and bragged about his drunken exploits, he could go into an instant rage over everyday little challenges.  It was so frustrating to know how loving, tender, and tentative he was on the inside and yet he ... it was like he was addicted to the adrenaline rush, and needed bigger and bigger experiences to get that "high".  It was heartbreaking to witness and ultimately got to be too much for me to live with - therefore our divorce in 2005.  But I'd always hoped he'd someday get things turned around.  He was so daggone talented - his writing, his music, his drive to entertain... he just never seemed to get out of his own way in order to do it "well".  

 Until his last night.  He revealed to me that he was excited and rededicated to getting healthy and making better choices.  He'd rediscovered his drive and was focused in a way he hadn't felt in years.  When he left my house Sunday night at 8 pm, after spending the day with Katie, he was happy - deeply happy - and earnest.  He apologized for all our past problems, and knew he was on the right path.  (It was the perfect goodbye, if you think about it)  I thought "oh, he's manic again"  but it was different from any other time I'd ever seen.  He really seemed to have "gotten it" and I prayed that this time, it was for real.  

Three hours later, he was raging in a store at the clerk and policeman, got into an altercation, struck a policeman, got tasered, fell and bashed his skull against the curb.  I don't know what happened to cause him to flip so drastically in that amount of time.  I could guess, but it doesn't really matter.  He's still gone. Katie still misses him and if I'm honest, I do, too.  

 I pray his spirit is finally at peace. 

 2001 - Katie and Doug

Edit: It wont' let me link to the photo of Katie and Doug :( 

Doug Boucher passed away Sunday night, Dec. 14, 2009 following a taser incident at a convenience store. The actual cause of death is not known yet, but the autopsy was performed and the coroner's report is due soon.

Visitation is tomorrow, Sunday, Dec. 20, in Marion, Indiana.

He lived to entertain and had a huge web presence - he blogged here for many years, frequently posted to music newsgroups, and he also blogged under his real name at MySpace and Facebook. As a result, there are friends and supporters all around the world, which has helped make this bearable.

The real love of his life though, was our daughter, Katie. She is doing pretty well right now. She was devastated at first - watching her wracked with sobs was nearly more than I could bear. Since then, she's not wanted to talk about it at all, which my counselor said I should follow Kate's lead - she'll readdress it when she's ready. Meanwhile, our iFriends are searching through the various websites and pulling together photos, music, quotes, etc. that we're putting together as a memorial for Kathryn and the rest of his family. They are beautiful people and I adore them for their kindness.

Doug's spirit was always searching for something - I hope he's found it now.

We had a great time. My daughter had a field day... no, week, because when your parents are divorced and you're the only grandchild on both sides and everyone wants to see you, you get something like 8 Christmases ;)

Fun moments: Watching the girlie sneak around in all her Spy Gear. She got a black jacket, put on her black boots, spy gear in a bandalier-type thing... oh my. Too funny. Playing Scrabble with my fiance and my Dad. I don't remember Dad ever joining in on games. We happened to get 2 sets of Scrabble for Christmas so I left one at my parents' house so we can play when I visit. (Dad tromped us, by the way!)

Another great time was watching Michael and my daughter play a card game called "Blink". It moves really fast but it's simple to play (so it's terrific for kids). The hilarious part was all the "smack" talk taking place - I had no idea Katie was so spunky. Hilarious, I tell you!  She even won a few times, can you tell?

Plans for New Years are ... well, there are none.   But the New Year, 2008, is going to be amazing :)

but life is great :)

Michael and I met online back in February and we are doing awesomely :)  There are 1000 miles between us at the moment, but he's making arrangements to move up this way soon.  He is undoubtedly the most amazing man on the planet and he's all mine. yay!  What's even MOSTEST coolester, is that he thinks I'm the most amazing woman on the planet.  And I'm all his!  woot!  The major difference between this relationship and any other? is it's based in our faith.  What an amazing difference. 

The kiddo is awesome, work is fine, happiness abounds :)

Yay!  

I met my sweetie on another blog site via a mutual friend.  He lives 1000 miles away - literally - so it has its share of challenges.  

What I like about it :  

We started out as people with mutual interests chatting about those interests.  It wasn't a dating service - we started out as friends.  The emotional aspects kicked in later.   

We've spent months talking about our faith, families, dreams for the future, past relationships, etc.

After 3-4 months of talking, we finally met face to face.  I felt instantly like I was home. 

Each being divorced, we're very dedicated to not experiencing that again.

Despite the distance, we have movie dates - finding movies we have in common or renting them, hitting Play at the same time.

My mailbox is surprised by "thinking of you" greeting cards... that's SO cool.

We're really enjoying ourselves.  Hoping to close the distance relatively soon.  Meanwhile, we're keeping those cell phones and text messages burning!

having a good time back at church - the kiddo loves going to Sunday School and asked if we could go EVERY Sunday for the rest of our lives :)  I hate to tell her about the summer hiatus *eek.

After talking online since January or so,  I finally met my Knight last weekend.  He was every bit as kind and sweet in person as online.  Yay!  And he wasn't a murderer!  Double-yay!   It was more fun than you can imagine - and knowing you lot, that's saying something.  :)

Yay for lurve!  

Catchup! Har!

It's been a crazy month at Hvn's Haven but things are heading in a really good direction right now.  I made a few stupendously stupid mistakes and thankfully no long-term harm has come of it - I got involved with someone so far removed from my own lifestyle that it scared me straight, so to speak.   I think my "fling" with exotic latino males is done :)  The accents WERE really cool, though ... sigh.

So... I've made a turnaround.  Katie and I will be going back to church.  I've started reading the Bible.  I'm recentering myself in a healthy direction and I feel SO relieved.  The craziness was fun and exciting, but I liked how Doug - yes, my ex-husband - put it.  "Stop going after opposites and people who fill the far edges of who you are"

That rings SO true.  The parts of Doug and Sean and Ricardo that I found exciting or exotic helped fill this outer-fringe desire for excitement and non-normalcy (that's worded really poorly but I hope it makes sense).  I fear being with someone "too" normal because although it sounds really safe and reliable .. it also sounds dull after a few years.  But someone more like me - with a solid core that is good, loving, and kind - with some flashy quirks to keep things interesting - now THAT would rock.

I just may have found him :)  It's very early yet, but the initial signs are stupendous - not just good, STUPENDOUS.  We will meet face to face for the first time next month.  It's squee-alicous!

So how YOU doin?